Twilight Bashing
by bigbootiebitch999
Summary: Yet another Twilight bashing story. Read it and tell me if its funny please.
1. Chapter 1

Twilight Bashing

Alchemistofpeace: Hi! Alchemistofpeace here, but you can just call me Peace.

Peace: This is Twilight Bashing and here we're gonna bash Twilight.

Greedling: *sarcastically* Wow, couldn't think of a more creative title if you tried.

Peace: I didn't introduce you yet idiot, stay back screen!

Greedling: I don't see why I-MMMPH! *dragged backstage*

Peace: Thank you. First, some characters from FMA. Only some cause I cant fit them all in this damn studio without getting rid of some other guests. So here's Ed, Al, Mustang, Hughes, Greedling, Kimblee, and Hawkeye.

Mustang: Why the hell is Kimblee here?

Peace: Because I want him here. Besides, we're going to have another psychotic serial killer in another chapter or two. So get used to one while you can.

Mustang:… Just keep him away from me.

Peace: Sure. Now, here's the pedophilic sparklepire, edward cullen!

Kimblee: Why no capitals?

Peace: He doesn't deserve them.

Ed: Makes sense to me.

Sparklepire: Um, hi?

Peace: Hi, nobody. Ed, you first.

Ed: WHOOPIE! *transmutes a spike through Sparklepire*

Peace: Colonel Dumbass?

Mustang: Who?

Hawkeye: I think she means you, sir.

Mustang: I'm a … Dumbass?

Peace: Yes you are.

Mustang: But… I thought I was one of the characters you love! T-T

Peace: You are! I torture all the characters I like.

Kimblee: Ooh, you're a sadist! Just like me! :D

Peace: I wouldn't be writing this if I wasn't. Mustang, you gonna flame the pixie or what?

Mustang: *sniff* Well, I guess. *snaps*

Sparklepire: *girly shriek of agony*

Mustang: Now I see why you killed people Kimblee; It's fun as hell! :D *snapsnapsnap*

Peace: Whoa, leave some for the rest of them alright!

Mustang: *sigh* Fine. *walks away defeated*

Peace: Al, you wanna go next?

Al: Sure. *beats the crap out of Sparklepire*

Sparklepire: *whimper*

Greedling: WAIT A MINUTE! Peace said she liked to torture people she liked. Does that mean she likes Sparklepire?

Everyone: O.O *run to the other side of the studio*

Peace: *rolls eyes* I like torturing my favorite characters mentally and emotionally. Characters I don't like get the crap beat out of them.

Greedling: Oh, okay. My turn next?

Peace: No, Hughes. He hasn't said a word since he got here.

Hughes: Thanks Peace! *throws knives at Sparklepire*

Sparklepire: OKAY, I'LL BITE! WHAT DID I DO TO DISERVE THIS!

Peace: You sparkle.

Mustang: You're a pedophile.

Kimblee: You don't kill people, like normal vampires do.

Greedling: You freaking _existed._

Peace: Hawkeye?

Hawkeye: Right. *shoots Sparklepire over nine thousand times*

Peace: Greed-

Greedling: YES! FINALY I GET A CHANCE! *throws Sparklepire into a vat of lava* *evil Kira laugh*

Peace:… Anyone else afraid?

Everyone: *nod*

Peace: Kimblee?

Kimblee: *blows up Sparklepire*

Peace: Okay I think we're done here. Goodbye rea-

Ed: WAIT A MINUTE!

Peace: *sigh* What Ed?

Ed: You forgot to do the disclaimer.

Peace: Oh, snickerdoodles you're right. I don't own FMA, sadly, and I sure as hell don't own Twilight. THANK GOODNESS. I couldn't bear it if my writing sucked _that_ bad. Now, as I was saying, goodbye readers!


	2. Chapter 2

Twilight Bashing

Peace: Hi readers! Welcome to another chapter of Twilight Bashing!

Ed: You seem happy.

Peace: My grandmother got me the first three books of the Maximum Ride series. I'm already like, one-third of the way through the third book. In less than three days!

Greedling: Jeez, what are you, a super reader?

Peace: I love reading. Reading is in my blood. And it helps when you can't put the book down. Now, back to the bashing. *points to title*

Ed: Isn't there something you're forgetting?

Peace: Oh right! I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, Twilight, or Death Note. Now, introducing L from Death Note!

*spotlight on L, who is eating a cake, oblivious to the world around him*

Peace: Ahem, I said, INTRODUCING L FROM DEATH NOTE!

L: *jumps* Oh, sorry. I didn't hear you.

Peace: It's okay, Llie-chan. Now, MELLO!

Mello: Mmm. *eating chocolate*

Peace: And Matt!

Matt: Hi there. *wave*

Roy: Didn't he only appear for like three minutes and then get shot down?

Ed: And with less than five lines. I mean, jeez, the Freezing Alchemist got more lines than him and he was only in the 2009 anime! Not even in the manga!

Matt:… No need to rub it in. *sulk*

Mello: *glare* Little midget runt bastard.

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE CANT GO INTO TOWN WITHOUT BEING MISTAKEN FOR A SHRIMP AND EATEN!

Mello: You, little shrimp boy. *smug smile*

Ed: WHAAAT!

Peace: Okay, okay! *gets between them* Quit fighting. Or, in case it's unavoidable, go fight outside.

Mello and Ed: Fine. *turn away from each other*

Peace: Good. Now, the psycho killers, Light, BB and Mikami!

Roy: You said one psycho serial killer! Instead I get this! *gestures*

BB: *eating jam; we hope*

Light: *eating potato chips and writing in the Death Note*

Mikami: *also writing in a Death Note* DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE GOD GOD DELETE GOD DELETE! *continues*

Roy: O.O Dear merciful lord.

Al: Do you even like any of these characters? O.O'

Peace: BB I do, I lost respect for Light after he went completely bat-shit-psycho-insane. And killed L. And Matt. And Mello. God, freaking _everyone._ Now get the Sparklepire out before I start ranting and swearing.

Sparklepire: NOO! Don't turn me over to the psychopaths!

L: I am not a psychopath. I do not wish to physically arm you.

Sparklepire: Oh thank-

L: Instead, I wish to completely, how would you say, 'scare the crap out of you'.

Peace: Will this plan scar him for life, leaving him a hollow empty shell filled only with feces, fear and pain? Will it make him afraid for the rest of his life, making him afraid to sleep even though it's impossible for him?

Roy:…

Ed:…Uh…

Al:…I'm going to go now, May needs, uh, cat food. Yeah, that's it… *inches away a few feet before running like hell*

Light:… And you thought _I_ was screwed up.

Mikami: Delete? O.O

Mello: O.O I need chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

Matt: I need bleach. Those images are stuck in my eyes for all eternity.

Hughes:… I'm going to forget I heard that.

Hawkeye: Me too. *shudder*

BB: I think I love you…

Kimblee: *hiding in a closet*

Peace:… I over described that, didn't I? Sorry. *nervous laugh*

Sparklepire: O.O Afraid, very very afraid now.

L: *describes the plan in my ear*

Peace: *evil grin* Sparklepire.

Sparklepire: Eep!

Peace: *points to room with a projector and holding chair* You. Chair. In. _NOW._

Sparklepire: Eep! Y-yes ma'am.

Matt: What are you going to show him?

Peace: *ruffles his hair* Oh, Matt. Cursed with perfect envisioning skills, haunted with being able to see everything described to you, just like me. I think you've been scarred enough, don't you think?

Matt: O.O O-okay, when you put it that way. *walks away*

Mello: What's going to happen to Sparkle-bastard?

Peace: Yaoi. _Hardcore _yaoi.

Ed: O.o I-I- why did you ask Mello?

Mello: I thought it would be war pictures or something. O.o

Roy: War is about five million times better than _any_ yaoi.

L: There is a forty-seven persent chance he will try to rip out his own eyeballs.

*screams are heard from the room, along with wet ripping sounds*

L: O.O Make that seventy-nine percent…

Greedling: Oh sweet Jesus… *gags*

Sparklepire: *comes out of the room* I hate my life. I hate everything. I want my mommy. *curls into fetal position, sucking his thumb*

Peace: Crap, we cant use him. Bring out the Mary-sue!

Hughes: *leaves and comes back with Mary-sue, who is staring at a picture of Edward and leaving a river of drool*

Melio: Can I shoot her first? I'm out of chocolate.

Peace: Go nuts. *steps back*

Mello: Thanks. *shoots Mary-sue until he runs out of bullets. Starts beating her with his gun*

Peace: I'm going to end this chapter before my rating goes up to M. Bye, see ya next chapter, if I haven't screwed up your mind beyond repair yet. *waves nervously* Review and please don't flame.


	3. Chapter 3

Twilight Bashing

Peace: Why hello there my loyal readers! Welcome to another chapter of Twilight Bashing! Before I start, I want to explain something. As most FMA: Brotherhood fans are aware, Ling and Greed are pretty much one person, with Greed usually being in control with some instances where Ling took over. So we came to an agreement, Greed gets control over the first two chapters, Ling gets control over the next two, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Now introduce your self Ling!

Ling: Hi.

Ed: Disclaimer.

Peace: I was getting to that, smartass. I do not own FMA, Death Note or Twilight.

Ed: Good, you didn't forget.

Peace: One time! Jeez!

BB: Can we get on with this? You promised I could go first.

Peace: You would have been able to go last chapter had Mello not been so insistent on trying to turn this fic M rated.

Mello: Hey, I was out of chocolate, okay?

Peace: I know, Mello. I know your time of the month is a bitch.

Mello: WHAT!

Peace: ANYWAY, BB, try to keep the fic T rated. You know the consequences if you don't. *points to yaoi room*

BB: I'll try Peace, I'll try.

Sparklepire: *screams of agony*

Roy: O.O Just what the hell is he doing!

Peace: If I elaborated this fic wouldn't be T rated.

Roy:… Oh.

Ling: He screams like a wuss.

Light: Not girl?

Peace: His bodyguard is a girl. And she's _scary._ *shudder*

BB: *comes back, covered in blood* Do you have somewhere could wash this off? It smells like man-bitch sparkles.

Peace: Shower's over there. *points*

BB: Thanks. *leaves*

Peace: Okay, Ling?

Light: What? Why him, he already went! It should be my turn, FOR I AM GOD!

Mikami: GOD! :D

Peace: No, that was _Greed._ They are two very different people.

Ling: Thanks Peace. *stabs Sparklepire with his sword*

Peace: Okay, Matt?

Matt: *shoots Sparklepire full of holes*

Sparklepire: Owww…

Peace: Shut up, Sparkle-bitch. *kicks him*

Light: My turn?

Peace: Yes Man-bitch number two. Your turn.

Light: I'm not a man-bitch! I am God! GOD YOU HEAR!

Mikami: GOD! *bows*

Peace: Whatever, Imagay.

Light: Whatever. *throws Sparklepire to the fan girls*

Misa: EDWARD! YAY!

Bitchface (Takada): No, mine! Stupid whore!

Peace: *closes door* Death by fan girl, ow.

Mikami: Delete?

Peace: Soon, you screwed up 'justice' killer.

Sparklepire: *clawing at the door* LEMMEINLEMMINLEMMIEINLEMMIEIN!

Peace: I don't know, should we let him in?

Ed: Let him in before Mikami over here runs out of criminals to kill and goes after us.

Peace: Eh, good point. *uses a dog catcher thing to drag him in*

Sparklepire: Thank you, thank you, thank you, than-

Peace: Sparklepire, meet Mikami's pen. Mikami's pen, meet Sparklepire.

Mikami: DELEETEE! :D *stabs Sparklepire with pen*

Light: O.O

Hawkeye: Uh, is that going to change this to M?

Peace: Probably. Light, call off your dog.

Light: Fine. Here Mikami, here boy!

Mikami: God! *runs over to him*

Peace: Alright, is there anyone I missed?

Mello: No, I don't think so.

Peace: Alright, my turn then. *soaks Sparklepire and Marysue in gasoline and sets them alight* Burn bitches, burn. :D

Roy: Freaking sadist…

Ed: Peace? You uh, you wanna sign off?

Peace: *laughing maniacally*

Ed:… I guess not. See ya later readers. And please review, I wanna see Sparklepire suffer more.


	4. Chapter 4

Peace: Helllloooo my few, but loyal readers! Today, I'm going to introduce the Bleach characters, but before that, please welcome RoseDoll Alchemist! Say hello Rose.

RoseDollAlchemist: YAH *HEARTS IN EYES* O and my name is Luna.

Peace: Alrighty then, please introduce ICHIGO KUROSAKI AND RUKIA KUCHIKI!

Ichigo: Yo.

Rukia: Hello.

Peace: Gin Ichimaru!

Gin: Why hello there.

Ed: Oh goody, another squinty eyed bastard.

Ling: That hurts Edward. *kicked puppy face*

Peace: Grimmjow… uh, *looks at card* Uh, anyway, you Bleach fans know who I'm talking about.

Grimmjow: I wanna tear apart the whiny sue and the sparkle-bitch.

Sparklepire: I take offence to that!

Grimmjow: You were supposed to.

Peace: Nice comeback. Ulquiorra Cifer!

Ulquiorra: Hmm.

Ed: That's it! You're not going to say 'hi'!

Ulquiorra: Trash like you don't deserve to be greeted by me.

Ed: WHAAAT!

Peace: Yumichika *looks at card again* uh, oh who gives a damn.

Yumichika: *glares at Sparklepire* So ugly.

Marysue: My Edward is the most beautiful creature in the universe! Unicorns weep at his beauty, gods cry at the mention of his name, mor-

Peace: Luna, duct tape please?

Luna: How about death tape instead *has whip in her hand*

Peace: Oooh, I like your thinking! Go nuts.

Grimmjow: But save some for me!

Peace: And last, and highest on my most hated character ever, Mayuri Kurosuchi. Anyone who claps will _DIE._

Ed: Wait, where's this Ukitake guy you keep fangirling over.

Peace: He politely declined my offer, because he's too damn nice to kill someone, even a sparklepire-pixie. In fact, he even said to give this chocolate bar to him. Traitor. *throws chocolate at Sparklepire*

Sparklepire: *eats chocolate, keels over*

Peace: O.o Holy crap, I take back the traitor thing. Poisoned candy; nice one.

L: *sniffs wrapper* It appears to be cyanide.

Luna: *walks out of the dungeon covered blood* She slapped me and a showed her aJacob x Edward C. movie about 5 days long then I ripped her limb from limb andfeed it to my dolls. They vomited after words. *shakes the blood off*

Peace: Oh, she made you watch Sparklepire and Fakey-werewolf _together?_ I feel so bad for you and your dolls. *hugs*

Mayuri: Can I experiment on this 'sparklepire' you speak so lowly of?

Peace: Research room's over there. *points*

Ichigo: Wait a minute, why does he get to go! He's your least favorite character EVER!

Peace: Because a) He is very good torture material.

Sparklepire: *screams of agony*

Peace: See? And b) The sooner he tortures Sparklepire the sooner he can get the hell out of my studio. Well, rented studio if you want to be technical but that's beside the point. You're up next, then Rukia, then Gin, Ulquiorra and Grimmjow.

Grimmjow: Why the hell am I last!

Peace: Because you are. Now shut up before I write a slash fic with you and the Novena espada.

Ulquiorra: You mean Aaroniero.

Peace: Yes, him.

Mayuri: I have collected all available data on the Sparklepire.

Peace: Great. Now get the f*** out of my studio.

Mayuri: *does so*

Peace: You next Ichigo, just don't transform into a hollow; I don't think the building can take it. Don't use your bankai either.

Ichigo: *nods, slashes Sparklepire*

Ed: Cool!

Roy: *sobbing* This kid is more useful than meeeeee. T-T

Mello: Well he is the main character.

Luna: *slaps Roy* Get a grip officer! Anyway I'm going to my latest doll. Royyou're driving me because I cant drive.

Roy: O.O But- but- BUT I DON'T WANNA DIE!

Peace: *also slaps him* Pull yourself together! Are you a man or arent you! You wont die, you moron. YOU'RE the one driving.

Roy: But what if she kills me? Q~Q

Peace: Then tough peanuts.

Roy: *sigh, leaves with Luna in tow*

Peace: Okay, Rukia?

Rukia: Right. *starts going off in a loooonnnnnggggg rant about Chappy the rabbit*

*three hours later*

Sparklepire: My ears… stop… please, have mercy.

Peace: Alright Rukia, it's Gin-gin's turn.

Gin: Gin-gin!

Peace: Would you prefer 'Ginny'?

Gin:… Shoot him, Shinso. *stabs Sparklepire*

Ichigo: Why did you let him use his sword.

Peace: He actually _was not supposed to._

Gin: Sorry Peace-chan.

Peace: What ever. Ulqui-

Ed: Wait, why hasn't pretty boy gone?

Peace: He just wants to watch, he doesn't think his sword should be dirtied by Sparklepires blood.

Ed: Good point.

Ulquiorra: *ceros Sparklepire*

Sparklepire: *flies backward into a wall* Owwwww…

Grimmjow: *walks over, kicks him* Quit whining and get up, I got something for you to do.

Sparklepire: What?

Grimmjow: You have to take Marysues' mutilated body to her father and say ' I killed your daughter' with pride in your voice.

Sparklepire: But I could never kill Bella!

Grimmjow: Who said you had to? *slashes Marysue with sword, mutilated but still recognizable* There. Wear these. * hands communication device and camera* The com device is so I can tell you what to say.

Sparklepire: But, but-

Grimmjow: GO!

Sparklepire: *yelps, goes to Charlies house* *flatly* I killed your daughter and I'm proud.

Grimmjow: *over com device* _WITH PRIDE!_

Sparklepire: *proudly* I KILLED YOUR DAUGHTER AND I'M PROUD!

Charlie: *leaves, comes back with shotgun*

Sparklepire: Uh-oh. *shot*

*back at studio*

All: *laughing*

Matt: That was hilarious!

Mello: I like the way the dad just walked off, then came back and shot him!

L: That… was rather amusing.

Peace: I love that word. Amusing. _Amuuuusssiiinngg._

Roy: Okay, enough. That's creepy.

Peace: Wait a minute, when did you get here?

Roy: Just now.

Peace: Meh. Good enough for me. So is that everyone?

Ed: Yeah, I think so.

Peace: Good. Next time the Durarara! cast is coming! Bai bai!

Gin: That's my line!


End file.
